hiatus

Official announcement of the bloge's temporary hiatus. Don't expect much posting in the near... forever.

will there ever be another rainbow?

The greatest tragedy of the week occurred today when famed pitchman Billy Mays, age -30, passed away during his sleep. Wiki informs me that he was on a flight the day before that blew out its tires on landing, and the wild speculation is that his death was related to this accident. True or not, the Mays family gonna be rolling in some sweet green on coincidence alone. And Billy wins too, 'cause I'm sure Jesus has all sorts of useless bathroom-cleaning shit lying around heaven that he needs someone to help him huckster.

Anyway, I felt the best way to honor his passing is to show a humiliating redub of one of his commercial. My favorite part is the rap song in the end where the voice over guy declares that "we be doing this shit all day, son: raping people, killing people, dubbing people."

double whammy special!

Yeah yeah yeah, Farrah Fawcett died (-18) of that disease thing she was plugging and nobody is surprised. But way to get upstage, bitch, because wildly unconfirmed rumors are reporting that:



MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON BIT THE DUST! Now let's keep in mind this is only TMZ reporting right now, but apparently M.J., age -20 (surprisingly young), suffered cardiac arrest and was shipped to the hospital where they didn't know how to operate on him because he's basically some kind of squid species nowadays. Could this be some elaborate plot on Paul McCartney's end to weasel back all the rights to the Beatles songs that only a spunky girl detective can uncover? No, probably just natural death. Hell, given the shit he's done to himself I'm surprised it's taken this long. He probably died two weeks ago and the plastic covering his actual body just took over during the interim. Also: interim -- funny word.

that guy. you know, that guy from that thing

David Carradine, age -8, continued the cliche of suicide by hanging today on the set of his newest film, Stretch (the joke is too obvious). You'd think he'd give a nod to all of the fans with a little supoku or at least something involving nun chucks, but I guess he was just like all those other big Hollywood stars, always thinking of himself. I actually like to think Carradine was cluing Tarantino in on a better ending, where the only person who could kill Bill was Bill himself. Now that's a plot twist!

Awesome update: Turns out it wasn't suicide after all - it was a billion times more fantastic, as his death was accidentally caused during a sex act involve asphyxiation. No way Saint Peter can turn down someone that ballsy!

maybe it was all the good parenting

Proving that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree -- or that at the very least the tree has a pretty sturdy branch -- Nicholas Hughes, son of Ted Hughes and Sylvia Plath, hanged himself yesterday, immediately gaining more fame than he had ever received in his entire life. Well played, Mr. Hughes.

In other news, this bloge is starting to profoundly bother me. Starting to. I dunno, maybe it was the little baby wandering around the bed that did it, the realization that all life is a futile dance with misery and depression. Or maybe it was just something I had for dinner. It's hard to tell sometimes.

closure?

After like a day and a half with my finger on the Publish Post button, things finally resolved here in the passing of Natasha Richardson, age -35 (though imdb, despite posting an article confirmation, has yet to change the date of death, so who knows? Maybe TMZ'll come out and say she's up and at it within an hour. Personally I think this could be the perfect opening for a Liam Neeson zombie feature.)

Seriously though, shit like this isn't funny. Her starring role in the atrocious The Handmaid's Tale -- funny. Being taken off of life support -- not funny. Take it down, folks, you might need to remember this stuff in the future.

But as tragic as this is, there is a silver lining. All we need is to convince Colin Firth to start cranking out horror novels and elect Hugh Grant as Prime Minister of England and we've practically got the real life version of Love Actually. So cheer up, Oskar Schindler. Claudia Schiffer is only a few twists of fate away.

One of these days I'll be jailed for this blog.

you were right, ron

Alan Alda totally should have won.