will there ever be another rainbow?

The greatest tragedy of the week occurred today when famed pitchman Billy Mays, age -30, passed away during his sleep. Wiki informs me that he was on a flight the day before that blew out its tires on landing, and the wild speculation is that his death was related to this accident. True or not, the Mays family gonna be rolling in some sweet green on coincidence alone. And Billy wins too, 'cause I'm sure Jesus has all sorts of useless bathroom-cleaning shit lying around heaven that he needs someone to help him huckster.

Anyway, I felt the best way to honor his passing is to show a humiliating redub of one of his commercial. My favorite part is the rap song in the end where the voice over guy declares that "we be doing this shit all day, son: raping people, killing people, dubbing people."

double whammy special!

Yeah yeah yeah, Farrah Fawcett died (-18) of that disease thing she was plugging and nobody is surprised. But way to get upstage, bitch, because wildly unconfirmed rumors are reporting that:



MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON BIT THE DUST! Now let's keep in mind this is only TMZ reporting right now, but apparently M.J., age -20 (surprisingly young), suffered cardiac arrest and was shipped to the hospital where they didn't know how to operate on him because he's basically some kind of squid species nowadays. Could this be some elaborate plot on Paul McCartney's end to weasel back all the rights to the Beatles songs that only a spunky girl detective can uncover? No, probably just natural death. Hell, given the shit he's done to himself I'm surprised it's taken this long. He probably died two weeks ago and the plastic covering his actual body just took over during the interim. Also: interim -- funny word.

that guy. you know, that guy from that thing

David Carradine, age -8, continued the cliche of suicide by hanging today on the set of his newest film, Stretch (the joke is too obvious). You'd think he'd give a nod to all of the fans with a little supoku or at least something involving nun chucks, but I guess he was just like all those other big Hollywood stars, always thinking of himself. I actually like to think Carradine was cluing Tarantino in on a better ending, where the only person who could kill Bill was Bill himself. Now that's a plot twist!

Awesome update: Turns out it wasn't suicide after all - it was a billion times more fantastic, as his death was accidentally caused during a sex act involve asphyxiation. No way Saint Peter can turn down someone that ballsy!